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How To Improve Emotional Intelligence
How To Improve Emotional Intelligence
Do you ever feel that business as a whole can be hostile? Maybe you have a boss that doesn’t appreciate you. Or a client that treats you like dirt.
No matter what your place is on the career ladder, I bet you’ve felt misunderstood somewhere in your career. Every day people feel left out, unappreciated, and mistreated at work. And consequently, they suffer.
Let’s face it. Business is not always fun. Some might argue “that’s just the way it is.”
But I think we can easily improve the business landscape by getting better at one thing: Emotional Intelligence.
Everyone has heard of it. But what is it? How do you get better at it? And how can you use it to get better at business?
Emotional intelligence (EI) is a term that’s been popularized by John Mayer, from the University of New Hampshire, and Yale’s Peter Salovey.
Mayer describes EI (also called EQ) asfollows:
“Emotional intelligence, as we described it, is the capacity to reason about emotions and emotional information, and of emotions to enhance thought. People with high EI, we believed, could solve a variety of emotion-related problems accurately and quickly.”
In today’s economy, solving emotion-related problems is critical. At work, we deal with complex problems. And we often have to work together to find solutions.
Success in business is not about SAT scores, IQ tests, or any other grade-based metrics. It’s about making an impact as a leader.
And If you want to achieve meaningful things, you must be able to work with other people. From that perspective, EI is the key skill that will bring you better results and more success.
Research shows that EI is also related to greater mental health. So it’s not only a skill that influences your business results, but it also impacts your own happiness.
Better Self-knowledge Leads To Higher EI, Which Leads To More Happiness
EI describes a person’s capacity to identify emotions. Not only other people’s emotions, but also your own emotions. In fact, I believe that you have to start with identifying your own emotions before you can lead others. So EI is very closely related to self-knowledge.
And that’s exactly why EI is an important predictor of success in life and business. It goes like this:
- High EI leads to greater self-knowledge.
- And better self-knowledge leads to more happiness.
- And more happiness means higher job satisfaction.
- Higher job satisfaction leads to better results.
- Better results lead to more acknowledgment.
- Acknowledgement for our work makes us feel important.
- Again, that improves happiness, results, etc.
You see? EI matters. And after reading and talking a lot about it, I want to share how I improved my EI in 3 steps.
1. Identify Your Emotions
Daniel Goleman, another EI pioneer, and the author of Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ, argues that we have two minds. He says:
“In a very real sense we have two minds, one that thinks and one that feels.”
To develop my mind that feels, I like to write about my daily emotions in my journal. If you don’t journal, start doing it for the sake of EI. The first step is to identify how you feel and what triggers your emotions. Don’t worry about why. Here are a few questions you can ask yourself:
- What are you feeling in different situations?
- Do you get angry when you get criticism?
- Do you get sad when people ignore you?
- Do you freeze when you’re put on the spot?
2. Interpret Your Emotions
Once you have a better picture of how you respond to different situations in life, it’s time to understand them. Think about these things:
- When you’re angry, how do you respond to people?
- And what you do think about that?
- Why do you even get upset, sad, happy, angry, etc., in the first place?
- Don’t judge and say, “I’m such a fool.” No, it’s all about understanding your emotions. Nothing more. Nothing less.
3. Manage Your Emotions
This is a big part of succeeding in business. A leader doesn’t go with the flow or follows the energy of a group. A leader SETS the mood. But before you can set the mood in groups, you must master setting your internal mood. Answer yourself:
- Can you snap out of a sad mood?
- Can you cheer yourself up?
- Can you slow yourself down when you’re too excited?
- If not, work on it. Because you must have control over your emotions to manage them.
I’ve applied the above 3-step method to improve my ability to identify my own emotions.
What you will find is this: When you can identify your own emotions, you will also get better at identifying other people’s emotions. And that’s exactly what EI means.
This is a huge cliché. We are all truly the same, especially if you look beyond the emotional wall most of us put up.
We all experience sadness, happiness, anger, guilt, fear, disappointment. But you have to recognize that.
Too often, we just go on with life not realizing that we have those emotions ourselves. When we do that, we will never become a leader.
More importantly: We won’t develop self-awareness. And therefore, we can’t get the most out of our life.
A real leader knows the emotions of another person better than the person himself. But it all starts with knowing yourself first.
1 tiny daily habits that are wasting your time — even if you don’t notice you’re doing them
11 tiny daily habits that are wasting your time — even if you don’t notice you’re doing them
You need to drop these bad, productivity-killing time management habits immediately.
- Certain strategies and habits are an enormous waste of time.
- It’s a good idea to identify what tactics are actually slowing you down, so you can cut them out of your life.
- From telling people of your plans to neglecting deadlines, here’s a roundup of some habits you should drop immediately.
We’re all running out of time. There aren’t enough hours in the day to get everything done. That’s just life.
However, if you feel like your inability to schedule your days is ruining your performance at work, that’s probably a bad sign.
It’s important to identify and drop harmful time-wasting tendencies before they seriously mess up your career.
Here are 11 wasteful time management habits that are tricky to quit — but you’ll thank yourself once you do:
11. Telling everybody about your goals
Gabbing about your goals is a waste of time.
Plus, Business Insider contributor Daniel Wesley writes that talking about your plansactually makes you less likely to carry them out. He writes that the very act of talking about your goals “tricks the brain” into thinking you’ve already accomplished your mission. That, in turn, saps your motivation.
Instead of telling everybody what you’re about to do, take a cue from Niké and just do it.
10. Forgetting to write things down
You might feel too busy and stressed to have time to keep track of what you’ve been up to. However, if you’re going to manage your time properly, you’ve got to keep records.
It’s a strategy that works pretty well for major players in the business world,including Bill Gates, Sheryl Sandberg, and Richard Branson.
9. Failing to prioritize
You might fall into this trap if you rely too much on to-do lists.
Certain tasks are more deserving of your time and attention than others. Unless you’re carefully ranking each item on your list, you risk lacking priorities throughout the day. Lack of priorities puts you at risk for cutting through busy work while ignoring truly important projects.
Success.com’s Tony Jeary recommends eliminating needless points from your to-do lists and ensuring that you tackle your high-priority tasks at the time of day when you’re most energetic.
8. Burning yourself out
You’re addicted to being busy. You’re juggling your job, your side job, your side hustle, and your personal life — sooner or later, you’re going to drop something and the whole routine’s going to come crashing down.
Burn out is terrible. Stop killing yourself trying to do everything and start focusing on doing a handful of things very well.
And if you’re already suffering from burnout, a little rest and relaxation won’t cut it, according to the Harvard Business Review. Monique Valcour writes that shifting your whole perspective on work is usually necessary, as well as seeking out “rich interpersonal interactions and continual personal and professional development.”
7. Forgetting that perfect is the enemy of good
It’s a cliché but it’s true: perfect is the enemy of the good. You’ve got to let go of your perfectionist tendencies if you’re going to succeed at revamping your time management tendencies.
Perfectionists spend all their time trying to make each project perfect. The end result is a snail-like pace and aggravation for everyone involved.
Perfectionism is a hard tendency to drop, but it’s important to realize that this is a trait that can kill, rather than boost, your career, Business Insider previously reported.
6. Failing to ‘eat a frog’
No, eating an actual frog won’t help your time management skills.
This just refers to Mark Twain’s famous quote: “Eat a live frog first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.”
Eat your live frog first thing in the morning. Get all the tasks you’ve been dreading done first. That’ll jump start your productivity for the rest of the day.
“It’s a really good idea to deal with the things you hate first thing in the morning,” career expert Bernard Marr writes on LinkedIn. “This will make you more productive and will free the rest of the day up – without the dark cloud over your head for the rest of the day, week or month.”
5. Not setting goals
Yeah, yeah the beauty’s in the journey, but if you have no clue about your destination, you’re probably just going to get yourself lost.
“Research shows that actually setting a specific goal makes us more likely to achieve the things we want, and is important especially when we want to make a change,” writes Dr. Will Meek in Psychology Today.
It can a bit daunting to sit down and outline all this, but think of it this way: without short and long term goals, you have no foundation to build your schedule upon.
4. Never saying no
Your time is precious. Defend it. Guard it fiercely. Don’t get suckered into wasting time on trivial things that don’t matter to you.
Try to stick up for your time and become less of a yes man. Plus, there are ways of saying “no” that will ensure that you don’t offend anyone, Business Insider previously reported.
3. Neglecting deadlines
Maybe you’re just so talented that your boss begrudgingly accepts your tardy work. Maybe you’re just in a very chill work environment.
Either way, flaunting deadlines is a terrible habit to get into. It’s crucial to start holding yourself accountable for missed deadlines, or your could fall into a terrible cycle.
“If there’s no accountability, there’s no reason to actually stick to them,” Kayla Matthews writes in The Muse.
2. Procrastination
I’ll tell you all about how easy it is to procrastinate … later.
Seriously though, this is probably one of the hardest bad habits to quit, but it’s possible to break free of procrastination’s stranglehold on your precious time, Business Insider previously reported.
“The Guide to Self-Knowledge” author Mark Manson told Business Insider’s Shana Lebowitz that he recommends using writing to “defuse” from our emotions, which are often the real reason behind our procrastination.
1. Multitasking
Contrary to what you might think,multitasking doesn’t boost your productivity. Business Insider previously reported that the science indicates thatonly 2% of the population can multitask at all. The rest of us are just switching between tasks really quickly.
This slows you down, causes dumb mistakes, dries up your creativity and takes you out of the moment. Forbes reported that it can decrease your productivity by as much as 40%.
It’s easy to trap yourself into this work style by convincing yourself that you’re being hyper-efficient. However, the evidence just isn’t there.
6 Behaviors That Push People Away From You
6 Behaviors That Push People Away From You
While the right people will always accept us for who we are, there are some behaviors we demonstrate that make it difficult for them to do so. Although busy schedules and changing priorities are the typical reasons for strained relationships, the negative ways we act through these relationships should also be considered when explaining our growing distance with people.
From always accusing your friends of excluding you from plans to constantly complaining about life to your coworkers, toxic behaviors drain everyone around you and consume every thought inside of you. Even though we blame lost connections on various reasons, the truth is that even the strongest relationships will struggle under the weight of destructive words and smothering expectations.
In spite of the guilt you may feel when looking back on your past actions, remind yourself that these flaws are what make you human and your ability to accept them is what makes you exceptional. To take control of your relationships (and become aware of your potentially negative habits in them), read further for the six behaviors that are pushing people away from you.
1. Taking things too personally
Life is hard — and taking everything that happens to heart will make it even harder. This habit tends to come in the form of basing your worth on how a situation turns out. For instance, your boss giving another coworker the assignment you wanted hasto mean you’re not a good worker. Or your friend asking someone else for advice hasto indicate you’re not a trusted friend.
Along with being destructive to the relationship, negative thinking is also detrimental to your self-esteem. The things that happen to you are not a direct reflection of you, and relying on the actions of others to decide your value is the key to unhappiness. Remember — you’re the only person in power of your thoughts and can be the only person to protect them.
Tips:
- Take a step back and consider who the person is to you
- Avoid jumping to conclusions
- Try to see the situation from the perspective of the other person
- If the issue needs to be confronted, prepare beforehand and approach it with a clear head
2. Continuously being jealous
A little jealousy is good for motivation, but a lot of it is bad for everything else. While the natural feeling of jealousy can push people to become better, the constant feeling of it is the reason why people become pushed away.
It’s not unusual to assume that we all want individuals in our lives who support us — and it’s understandable that those you’re jealous of feel anything but your support. Whether your envy is due to your cousin’s acceptance into nursing school or your little sister’s successful love life, the trait of jealousy makes the person who feels it just as uncomfortable as those who notice it.
Tips:
- Be honest with yourself and consider where your jealousy stems from
- Create a list of things in your life that you’re happy about
- Turn your jealousy into fuel to improve as a person
- Contact a trusted loved one to discuss your feelings
3. Needing constant validation
Similar to taking things too personally, the issue with needing constant validation is that it once again allows someone else to define how great we are. The more you rely on people to approve of you, the harder it becomes to find your sense of self to truly BE you.
Although the way we’re perceived to others matters to an extent, your entire well-being isn’t based off your reputation, and the amount of comments you have on your newest social media post doesn’t prove how loved you are. When it comes down to it, your wish to feel accepted and loved depends on how you feel about yourself — instead of how you think other people feel about you.
Tips:
- Make an effort to take time to grow as a person (find a new hobby, unplug from the online world, master a skill, etc.)
- Differentiate and focus on the tasks that are important to you — instead of the ones that are simply approval-seeking
- Recognize when you feel yourself depending on others for reassurance and take it upon yourself to filter these toxic thoughts
4. Not accepting constructive criticism
We aren’t perfect, and that’s what makes us human. With the pain that comes from acknowledging our flaws is the strength it took in order to get to that point. Although there are people who have no issue with receiving advice, the weaknesses of others is their inability to do so.
By refusing to accept critiques, you not only hinder your potential of improving as a person, but could also unintentionally make people feel as though they have to walk on eggshells around you. Overall, the success of every type of relationship depends on communication skills, and your willingness to accept both positive and negative feedback will strengthen yours.
Tips:
- Realize that the criticism comes from a good place and that the person is trying to be helpful
- Consider the entire situation and context of the conversation before reacting defensively
- Be mindful of your body language while receiving the critiques
- Truly listen to what’s being said and deem if changes should be made
5. Always acting like the victim
The world isn’t out to destroy you, but thinking it is could be why people seem to need space. From hiding under a handful of excuses for why you can’t apply for a job you want to listing off a number of reasons for why the wrong partners keep finding you, your problems are endless and your complaints take away your power to do anything about them.
If this scenario sounds all too familiar to you, your tendency to play the victim may be the reason why you always feel like one. While there are many aspects of our lives that we can’t control, the negative and helpless attitude you have is what’s controlling your mentality of taking action and stopping your progress of moving forward.
Tips:
- Allow yourself to feel sad/overwhelmed, and then make plans to do something about it
- Stop yourself when you begin to blame others for your misfortunes
- Believe that you can take steps to fix the situation — regardless of if what happened is out of your hands
6. Gossiping about others
The positive people you’re hoping for in your life aren’t receiving pleasure from speaking negatively about other people, and neither should you. Sure, it’s impossible to take gossip out of every conversation, but the reason for the conversation doesn’t need to revolve around putting others down and sharing judgmental opinions in an attempt to feel better about ourselves.
Through focusing on your own goals and cheering on those who are doing the same, you’ll soon realize that you don’t have the time to gossip about what other people are doing — because you’re too busy doing important things yourself.
Tips:
- Stay quiet or state that you’re not interested in gossiping
- Pinpoint the underlying issue of why you’re gossiping
- Attempt to change the subject
- Say something nice about the subject of gossip in place of participating
5 creative ways to get your small business noticed
Find inventive, creative ways to showcase your brand to the public, but always stay original.
Find inventive, creative ways to showcase your brand to the public, but always stay original.
You just started a small business and you are looking for a way to attract new clients and customers. Are there ways you can get creative to make your small business noticed?
Find inventive, creative ways to showcase your brand to the public, but always stay original.
Here are five creative tips you can try out to get your small business noticed.
1. Be different from the rest
If everyone is facing a particular direction, you can decide to face a totally different direction.
Never copy your competitor’s strategy because it might not work for you. That’s a great mistake you should avoid.
Create a different strategy to promote your small business. An example is during any festive period, things are always expensive. Instead of selling at an expensive rate, you can give an affordable price deal to buyers. Take it as doing a black friday for every festive period.
2. Use the power of social media
You shouldn’t just go online and begin opening new social media accounts for each platform.
Find out which social media platform is good for your business and maximize the potential of such social media.
Don’t just go online to post pictures and put a caption, it is very likely your business never attract new clients. Engage your social media in meaningful conversations which would draw their attention to your business brand.
You can also use the online ad platform of social media apps to boost grow your online presence which also showcases your brand to a vast number of social media users.
3. Open a blog or vlog
As long as you have a small business, it is perceived you have great knowledge of such business.
So you can open a blog or a vlog. Depending on what suits you. Create online content for online users and share tips on by using a blog or vlog.
You can put up tutorial and advice videos online. Use video channels like youtube and picture and video social application, instagram and share your expertise on such video platforms.
Don’t share all your tips and secrets but share basic stuff that online users can relate with. Show people how to do basic stuff.
Your business could get noticed by just opening a blog or vlog and having great online content.
4. Create a challenge
We all know people like freebies. So why not create an online challenge every now and then to engage your followers. If it isn’t going to be an online challenge, you can do it off the internet.
This is a good way to draw customers and clients to your brand.
Find out what your potential customers would be interested in and use it to create a challenge. Of course, attach a price to your challenge.
5. Network
Attend events and conference that have to do with your business.
Meet potential clients and customers and establish good ties with them, then you can sell your business to them.
If they buy into your business, they can pay for your goods and services and also refer you to more possible clients.
The thing about creative ways of getting your business noticed is that you spend little or nothing to get your business noticed.
adies, 5 Things We Bet You Didn’t Know Turn Men Off
Ladies, 5 Things We Bet You Didn’t Know Turn Men Off
Relationship problems are consistently on the top of lists of concerns in the life of the modern day person – and this is true for both sexes. This blog is for woman who may be unknowingly turning off men with habits, attitudes, and the general vibes they put out.
1. Second-guessing your thoughts and your instincts
Some women avoid communicating and expressing their feelings and thoughts. They expect men to read their minds and guess their thoughts, which is not always possible. And when they fail they receive the cold shoulder for not playing the guessing game right. Nothing is more annoying for men then a woman who will just not say what she wants but expect you to read the ‘signs’. Another thing that really gets to men is some women assuming that men know what they want them to do. Saying one thing and doing just the opposite just confuses things even more for men. So, play it straight and just speak up, it leaves no room for miscommunication or misunderstandings.
2. Playing the ‘I am the superior’ card
Some women equate men with being dumb, everyone makes mistakes but there is no need to constantly rub it in. It only makes you a nag and can be annoying.
3. Smothering him with too much attention
Always remember that your guy has a mother and there is no need for you to step into her shoes. While it’s okay to comfort and be there for him, don’t treat him like a child and smother to such an extent that it starts bugging him.
4. Sharing too much information
Men are not always comfortable talking about their problems, unlike some women who would go overboard sharing every minute detail with everyone in sight. Learn to exercise caution, and don’t overshare. Learn to keep things to yourself at times, especially something thats shared with you in private. It will build trust and also encourage the guy to open up more. Also, if you have just got to know the guy, there is no need to share every little detail with him. Learn to keep somethings to yourself and share only what is necessary.
5. Planning the future way ahead of time
Learn to live in the moment, and while planning what to do on your birthday is okay, planning what you will do in your 50th anniv while you are still dating will only freak the guy out. Learn to take small steps and enjoy the moment rather that fastfoward with an over active imagination, leaving your partner confused and spooked.
0 Signs You Are Being Manipulated and How To Make It Stop
10 Signs You Are Being Manipulated and How To Make It Stop
How to know if you’re dealing with a master manipulator.
At times, it is difficult to determine whether or not someone is doing or saying something because of genuine concern or manipulation.
Manipulation is often very subtle and hard to notice, depending on the circumstances and type of relationship. Manipulative people are everywhere and it’s important to know the characteristics of a manipulative person and how to stop people from manipulating you.
At first, manipulative people come off as sincere, compassionate and charming. They may appear kind, gentle and calm. This is just a tactic to lure you closer and get you to trust them early on. Once they have you in a relationship and in a vulnerable position, they will start to utilize their tactics of deception that they have become experts at.
Learn the signs of manipulation and how to overcome people manipulating you. Remember, many of the signs and characteristics of manipulation are subtle and can come off as general concern.
Keep these in mind:
1. They often lack insight into their behaviors and actions.
They will believe wholeheartedly that their way is the only way to deal with things because it ensures their needs are met and as long as it is beneficial to them, that’s all that matters in a manipulator’s mind.
2. They avoid taking responsibility and accountability for any of their actions or behaviors.
Oftentimes, you will hear a manipulator say “If so and so didn’t approach me that way, I wouldn’t have had to act that way” or something similar to that. They do know the meaning of responsibility but they will not hold themselves accountable nor will they listen to anyone who tries to hold them accountable.
Manipulators place the responsibility of their needs in your hands and as a result, you ignore your own needs.
3. They often criticize and judge you.
They tear you down to little bits and pieces. While they will talk down to you and judge your actions, behavior, and character, they provide no solutions or alternatives in order for it to be constructive.
4. They will isolate you from what you cherish most.
This includes friends, family, school or work. They may threaten to ruin things in your life as a scare tactic.
5. They will distort the truth or facts.
This often depends on how beneficial something is to them.
6. They bombard victims with statistics and data.
Often, they do this for subjects or topics you may not know a lot about.
7. They give you little to no time to make a choice or decision.
This is to put pressure on victims to make a quick and possibly irrational decision that benefits the manipulator.
8. They pretend they don’t understand you.
By pretending that they don’t understand what another is saying, manipulators feel that they shouldn’t be held accountable or responsible because they will justify their actions and behaviors by saying they didn’t get what the other was saying.
9. They give you the silent treatment.
This is a way for manipulators to have power and superiority over victims.
10. They hold you responsible for their happiness.
If they’re experiencing negative feelings or emotions, they will either blame you or someone elsebut eventually, it will become your fault.
None of what manipulators are projecting on to victims is their fault. These are the tactics manipulators use in order to gain or benefit from a situation or from a person.
Know the red flags and here are some suggestions on how to deal with it and make it stop:
- Keep your distance: This is for you to observe the manipulator’s behavior in different settings. You’ll be able to observe their behavior and how they act and behave from one person to another.
- Avoid self-blame: It’s easier to blame ourselves for feelings of inadequacy and inferiority because this is what manipulators want. You are not to blame. You are being manipulated. Remember, you are not the problem.
- Ask probing questions: When you hear a request or expectation that is unreasonable or seems irrational, ask questions such as “Are you asking me or telling me?” or “So, how is this fair?” This shifts the focus back on to the manipulator.
- Use your time wisely: Manipulators are going to want you to provide an answer to their request. It is important to separate yourself from the manipulator’s influence to think about the request rationally without letting their influence sway you one way or the other.
- Learn how to say “no”: This is critical for anyone to communicate effectively. Learning how to say “no” early on will only help you in stopping manipulation.
- Set boundaries and consequences: Make sure you set boundaries and what will happen as a result of crossing those boundaries. Stick to them as well. Actions speak louder than words.
Love as a decision,not a feeling
Love as a decision,not a feeling
Feelings will always change,i have not seen anyone who feels the same way 24/7.
Love is such a beautiful thing. It’s the very essence of our existence. Our lives would have no real meaning or significance if we do not know love. That’s why it’s important to be clear on what love really is, in order to avoid wrong notions or beliefs about it. Many people tend to see love as a mere feeling. They think they’re in love when they feel a certain way about another person. They end up falling in love with that person simply based on those good feelings. However, as they get know the person better and see the different sides of that person, that feeling begins to change. At this point the love begins to wane. You are no more feeling the same way you used to feel about him or her and soon you gradually fall out of that love. But is love actually meant to begin and end just like that simply because your feelings about your partner changed? Of course not. Lasting couples who are really in love also experience good and bad times. They’re not always happy about what their partner may do or have done at some point. But you know what keeps them going? Their remembrance of their decision to love their respective partners. Their vows and why they fell in love in the first place.
20 Tough Truths About Life No One Wants to Admit
20 Tough Truths About Life No One Wants to Admit
We all struggle. We all suffer on the inside. Every day…
We worry.
We procrastinate.
We feel overwhelmed.
We feel angry.
We feel lonely.
We don’t feel good enough.
We wish we were thinner
We wish we had more money.
We wish our jobs were different.
We wish our relationships were different.
We think everything in life should be easier.
And yet, every one of these struggles is self-created. They are real, but they are only real because we have created them in our minds. We have attached ourselves to certain ideals and fantasies about how life has to be in order to be good enough for us.
We worry because things might not turn out how we expect. We procrastinate because we fear discomfort and failure. We feel overwhelmed because we think we should be further along than we are. We feel angry because life should not be this way. And so it goes.
But it’s all in our heads.
And it doesn’t have to be this way. At least not for YOU.
You can think better… you can live better. This is a choice you can make.
Take a deep breath, and let all that thinking and ruminating go. Just bring your attention to the present moment. Focus on what’s here with you now – the light, the sounds, your body, the ground under your feet, the objects and people moving and resting around you. Don’t judge these things against what they should be – just accept what they actually are. Because once you accept reality, you can improve it.
See life as it is, without all the ideals and fantasies you’ve been preoccupied with. Let go of all of those stressful distractions, and just experience this moment.
This moment is good enough as it is. Be here.
You can go back to fretting about everything else in a minute.
But before you do, now would also be an opportune time to remind yourself of some truths we tend to deny when we’re stuck too deep in our own heads…
- There’s a lot about our lives we absolutely can’t control. – You cannot control everything that happens in life, but you can control how you respond. In your response is your greatest power.
- Our expectations often make us utterly unhappy. – Happiness is letting go of what you assume your life is supposed to be like right now and sincerely appreciating it for everything that it is.
- We will always be incredibly imperfect. – If you wait until you’re “perfect” before you share your stories, ideas, talents, and gifts with the world, no one will ever hear from you.
- A moment spent worrying is a moment wasted. – Worrying will never change the outcome. Do more, worry less. Train your mind to see the lesson in every situation, and then make the best of it.
- The best lessons often come from the hardest days. – Stand strong. Sometimes you have to experience a low point in life to learn a good lesson you couldn’t have learned any other way.
- Success easily gets to our heads, and failure easily gets to our hearts. – Our character is often revealed at our highs and lows. Be humble at the mountaintops. Be steadfast in the valleys. Be faithful in between.
- We confuse being busy with being productive. – What you pay attention to grows. So focus on what truly matters and let go of what does not.
- More money left unmanaged just creates more problems. – Yes, we need money to live. Earn it. Save it. Invest it. But avoid spending money you haven’t earned, to buy things you don’t need, to impress folks you don’t even know. Manage your money so it doesn’t end up managing you.
- Most of us don’t need more to be happy – we need less. – When things aren’t adding up in your life, begin subtracting. Life gets a lot simpler when you clear the clutter (mental and physical) that makes it complicated. (Angel and I discuss this further in the “Simplicity” chapter of 1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.)
- Our fancy gadgets often get in our way and dehumanize us. – We all need to learn to be more human again. Don’t avoid eye contact. Don’t hide behind gadgets. Smile often. Ask about people’s stories. Listen.
- As a society, we are utterly infatuated with outer beauty. – If the whole world suddenly went blind, how many folks would still be able to see your beauty? Focus within. Be beautiful on the inside too. And always do your best to see beauty in others.
- Most of the arguments we have with one another are pointless. – Be selective in your battles. Oftentimes peace is better than being right. You simply don’t need to attend every argument you’re invited to.
- We default to judging others by their actions and ourselves by our ideals. – Be the type of person you want to meet and be around. Be the type of person whose actions, words, and values always agree with one another.
- We don’t always get what we give. – You will end up sadly disappointed if you expect people will always do for you as you do for them. Not everyone has the same heart as you.
- None of us know anyone worthcontinually blaming. – Steal your power back. Free yourself to step forward on your own two legs. The best part of your life will start on the day you decide your life is your own, with no one to endlessly lean on, rely on, or blame.
- It’s easier to hold on to the way things are than it is to let go and grow. – Letting go and moving forward means coming to the realization that some things are a part of your history, but not a part of your destiny.
- If we want the benefits of something in life, we have to also want the costs. – Most people dream of the rewards without the risks. The triumph without the trials. Don’t be one of them. Life doesn’t work that way. When you find something you want, start by asking yourself: What am I willing to give up to get it?
- Even with all our advancements, progress still requires old-fashioned work. – In a culture that seeks quick and easy results, we must learn the beauty of effort, patience, and perseverance. Be strong, be present, and build positive daily rituals that get you there. (Angel and I build positive, life-changing rituals with our students in the “Goals and Growth” module of Getting Back to Happy.)
- We never feel 100% ready when good opportunities arise. – Most great opportunities in life force us to grow emotionally and intellectually. They force us to stretch ourselves and our comfort zones, which means we won’t feel totally comfortable at first. And when we don’t feel comfortable, we don’t feel ready.
- Many of us will have our lives cut short. – One way or another, none of us live forever. And it’s much harder to change the length of your life than it is to change the depth of it. So, how deep will you go today? That’s something you should reflect on. Because how we spend our days is how we spend our lives.
Closing Thoughts
Again, life is tough sometimes. There’s so much you simply can’t control, but you have to let your resistance to this GO. Do not let what is out of your control interfere with everything you can control. Be mindful. Be present. Focus on the small steps you CAN take today, and take them! No regrets. No looking back.
We have no way of knowing exactly what lies over the horizon, but that’s what makes every day’s journey interesting and exciting – that’s what makes today so powerful. Anything is possible!
Five Financial Facts You Must Know About Your Partner Before You Tie The Knot
Five Financial Facts You Must Know About Your Partner Before You Tie The Knot
The courtship period is a very vital phase in a relationship, it should be a time for more communication, planning and less physical intimacy. One of the most important discussions to be have is the “money talk”. It is naivety and perhaps foolishness to think ” Naa…these things will sort themselves out”. Here are five financial facts you must know before you finally tie the knot.
Spending Habits/ Addictions
Getting married in the real sense of the word means you have signed up to “become one” with your partner. It is therefore imperative to know what’s coming your way. Some people are genuine shopaholics – they indulge in shopping at an extreme level, (sometimes uncontrollably) and might need professional help. There are those that shop to relieve stress, deal with anger etc. Take advantage of your courting period to observe your partner. Find out how they are with money. Does money trigger them to spend irrationally?
Medical Status
You might wonder how this relates to your finances, but it does. Presence of some terminal ailments will definitely put a strain on your finances in the long run. It doesn’t mean that these illnesses lead to death, they may be eventually treated, but often times at a huge cost. Make your research, be open, be aware of the monetary implications of these conditions.
Debt Profile
Simply put, How much do you owe? Tying the knot with someone who is up to their necks in debt could be disastrous for your finances. Find out his/her commitments to mortgage and other financial institutions. Be sure you partner isn’t hooking up with you as a mere financial lifeline.
There is nothing wrong with helping your partner resolve financial obligations, but make sure you have a clear picture of what you are walking into.
Dependents
This is Africa, and we are still a developing economy, hence it is only normal to have relatives that depend on you in some way. However, you need to know clearly how many people depend on your spouse. How many people he/she would need to support, how capable they are, and how their dependence on your spouse might affect you financially. Parents, siblings, extended family – these people rarely go away, they were a part of your partners life before you came along and will be around for a long time. You need to hold an open and frank conversation about the financial implications.
Career Implications
Certain careers are more demanding than others. You should think about how resourceful their career is, travel requirements and how it’ll affect your job. It is important to know if your partner’s cash flow comes in weeks, months or in irregular spurts. You need to know how you fit into his plans and how it impacts your life going forward.
 Married Or Not… You Should Read This Husband’s Story
Married Or Not… You Should Read This Husband’s Story
When I got home that night my wife served dinner. I held her hand and said, “I’ve got something to tell you.” She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.
Suddenly I didn’t know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking about divorce. I raised the topic calmly. She didn’t seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, “Why?”
I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, “You are not a man!”
That night, we didn’t talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn’t love her anymore, I just pitied her.
With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% of my company. She glanced at it and then tore it to pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources, and energy but I could not take back what I had said. I loved Jane now.
Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.
The next day, I came home late and found her writing something at the table. I didn’t have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast after an eventful day with Jane. When I woke up, she was still at the table writing.
In the morning she presented her divorce conditions. She didn’t want anything from me, but needed a month’s notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month, we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple; our son had his exams in a month’s time and she didn’t want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.
This was agreeable to me, but she had something more. She asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day. She requested that every day for the month’s duration, I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door every morning. I thought she was going crazy, but just to make our last days together bearable, I accepted her odd request.
I told Jane about my wife’s divorce conditions. She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. “No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce,” she said scornfully.
My wife and I hadn’t had any physical contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, “Daddyis holding Mommy in his arms.”
His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the living room and to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly, “Don’t tell our son about the divorce.”
I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for the bus. I drove alone to the office.
On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn’t looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying. Our marriage had taken its toll on her, and for a minute, I wondered what I had done to her.
On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me. On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing. I didn’t tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.
She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, “All my dresses have grown bigger.” I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, and that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.
Suddenly it hit me. She had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.
Our son came in at the moment and said, “Dad, it’s time to carry mom out.” To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the living room, and to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly, just like on our wedding day.
But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, “I hadn’t noticed that our life lacked intimacy.”
I drove to office, jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind. I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door. “Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore.”
She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. “Do you have a fever?” she replied.
I moved her hand off my head. “Sorry, Jane,” I said. “I won’t divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn’t value the details of our lives, not because we didn’t love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day, I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart.”
Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away. At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The saleswoman asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, “I’ll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.”
That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face. I ran up the stairs only to find my wife in the bed – dead. My wife had been fighting cancer for months, but I was too busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and wanted to save me from any negative reaction from our son, in case we push through with the divorce. At least, in the eyes of our son, I’m a loving husband.
The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It’s not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves.
So find time to be your spouse’s friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Have a real happy marriage!
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